Living alongside someone has its long list of hardships. Being a human is complicated, so doing life together with another inevitably compounds the challenges. Then, try cramming that relationship into a tiny space, then include all the surprises that come along with road trips, and you might think you’ve concocted the perfect recipe for disaster. But with all the troubles that come from time spent on the road with a partner, there’s also lots of silver linings to be found – improvements in communication, firming up of personal boundaries, and the ability to establish a strong sense of self in the midst of an enmeshed life – are all great traits that can be developed while cohabiting a cramped space.
Below is a list of helpful tips in hopes of setting you off on the right foot when heading out on a long trip with your significant other.
Affirm each others boundaries
The road can be freeing, but something about a small space can feel extremely restrictive – especially when your own needs aren’t being acknowledged. There’s nothing more valuable in a tiny place than respecting each other’s unique desires regarding what makes them feel respected, supported, and empowered. Clear communication around do’s and don’ts are key from the start, but its also important to accept the fact that new needs crop up from time-to-time, and shouldn’t have to be defended. Sometimes it’s a delineation of physical space during certain times of day which deserve being worked around - for example, at night, the front seats are my reading/work space while Jonnie calls dibs on the bed. Other times its an establishment of where not to tread relationally during certain circumstances or times of day (believe it or not, morning people and night owls can still coexist in 70 square feet!). And a lot of times, its small things - like finishing a snack the another was saving, rolling the window down while the other is cold, or using someone else’s only towel to dry off your camp chair after it rains. Whatever it may be, an agreement to affirm a line drawn by another – is the best step to avoiding unnecessary conflict while living in a confined space.
Establish independence
It seems like a common presumption that partners traveling together must do everything by each other's side. And though that might be fun and novel for the first couple days, it can quickly become wearing. Structuring daily schedules, chores, and activities in a way that affirms autonomy, is a good practice in independence and also helps prevent a (often unintended) sense of overbearing. If one person needs to work, while another is taking the day off – why not split up? If you’re the one on break – ask to be dropped at the trailhead, or drive your working partner to the nearest wifi-enabled coffee shop before heading out for a couple hours. Simple steps like going for a run, a walk, or even practicing yoga several yards away from your campsite, are also good ways of giving each other space. In our “vanlife” my favorite days begin with coffee and a solo hike at the crack of day, I’ll usually arrive back at the van. refreshed and restored, 3+ hours later - when Jonnie and the dogs are finally ready to wake. Whatever way you enjoy time alone – create space for it. Because even the most extroverted adventurers still need breaks every now and then.
Increase communication
Sure, there’s lots to talk about on road trips: sights and sounds, smells and scenery – everything is always changing. But it’s worth noting that in many of these conversations, it’s easy to forego communicating. Talking about the sunset is simple, but saying how someone made you feel that one day when it took you a little too long to change a flat tire, is harder. Remembering to ask your partner if they packed sunscreen, is much less involved than remembering to ask your partner how they’re feeling after a long day of driving, a breakdown, a surprise roof leak, or a rough day of remote work. Striving to be intentional about discussing feelings, perceptions, sensitivities and insights, is always a tough thing to do – but on the road, it’s imperative. Because – just like your ties – your relationship needs to be filled up, balanced, and cared-for in order to avoid a massive blowout.
Decrease expectations
There’s so much excitement to look forward to when it comes to time spent on the road – but while we build up our dream travel itineraries and road stop schedules in our minds, it’s important to be honest about our expectations of one another. The road can be a transformative experience, with so many new places to see and people to meet – but that doesn’t mean the inherent characteristics that make us, us, will necessarily change. If someone is disorganized, guess what? On the road – they’ll be disorganized. If someone is anxious, on the road – they’ll be anxious. And if someone is loud – chances are, in 70 square feet of space – they’ll be perceived as even louder (just ask Jonnie). Setting realistic expectations for one another will aid in averting significant let-downs, help you better navigate inevitable tensions, and make you more grateful for the good surprises that might come your way.
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